Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Post One-Hundred and Ten.

"I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you." - Noah, The Notebook

I've decided to write a sort of goodbye to you. It's not really for you. More or less, it's just for closure for me. In all honesty, because we all know you'll probably never lay eyes on this.

I meant everything with value I ever told you. When I said I kept falling for you, I meant it. When I told you I loved you, I was so scared... but I stay true to my word. You were my best friend. I had to love you; I still do. Honestly, I'm still in love with you. I don't know how I could be. I mean, this was the first time I truly opened myself up to someone... and well, we saw how that played out. No matter how much I try, I really can't mean anything bad I try to say about you. I'm still not quite sure what that means about me.

I remember when you and I switched characters that first day and no one knew but Nerji. And yeah, you didn't know he knew. I'm sorry we liked to play jokes. But I remember how embarrassed and mad I was at him when he told you that I liked you and needed to make my move-- you thinking he didn't know it was you. 'Cos I remember how shocked you were and how you wouldn't tell me exactly what he said unlike what you did for everything else. What struck me most curious was the whole "When the time comes" sort of line you sent me. I really didn't catch on to what that meant... and maybe I should have sooner.

Y'know, when we hung out for homecoming... that was probably one of the best days I've had. And, no... not just because that was my real first kiss. It was because I got to hang out with you. You got along with my friends. And, hey... though short lived, I enjoyed our slow dances. I wanted to kiss you right then, but I didn't. I was so shy and didn't want to be too forward. But, what do ya know? You got the guts before I could later on. Thanks for not being such of a wuss as I am. I'm glad that Jenn and Jess helped me along with that... because if they didn't, there was no way I would've even thought of asking you.

Sorry I couldn't sleep on the couch with you. I'm sorry I was too shy to play karaoke with everyone to begin with. You heard me, though... you know I sound awful. We all had a blast that day. That was my favourite Music at the Mall. I remember sitting on the table with you... just sitting. When your arm would touch mine or would be around me, the skin that came in contact would get all tingly and I would get little butterflies in the pit of my stomach. I loved how when it wasn't your turn during pool, you would come over to me and just stand between my legs. And how your shoulder was just the perfect height for me to rest my chin on... and we'd lean in almost close enough to kiss, then I'd bury my face in your neck. And how you always smelled so clean. I wanted so bad to keep your hoodie because it smelled like you and it was so warm.

I loved how you knew my little quirks and idiosyncrasies. How I'd bite my lip whenever you said something I though was cute, then break out in a huge grin at the next thing. I never made sense and ranted about nonsense. I loved how I could trust you with all my secrets and how you didn't mind my insecurities.

I don't hate you. I'm not mad anymore. I'm disappointed... I thought you were more of a man than you proved to be. We can still be friends. Things will be different, though. I'll be around. When you've grown up a bit, give me a call. Until then, I'm going to do my best to move on.

I'm writing this letter to you
In hope to clear my head
My thoughts are only of you
And it's funny how to you I'm dead
How did we end up like this?
When did we become such a mess?
And here I am digging my own grave