Post One-Hundred and Eighteen.

The grass is growing.
The ground is soft and muddy.
Spring, oh spring...
I missed you.

I found this to be super cute.

Post One-Hundred and Seventeen.

Is it funny how in a crowded room, you still can feel alone?
Is it out of the ordinary that you could be having the greatest time ever, then the next thing you know, something reminds you of things and you feel lower than dirt?



Life amuses me sometimes.
I've smiled a lot lately, but it still feels like I have a permanent frown.
I'm not sad.
I'm confused.
I'm ready for the future.
Wings spread.
Open arms.
I think I can take on anything.

Post One-Hundred and Sixteen.

I enjoyed myself last night. That was probably the most fun I've had in the last few weeks.

Can you believe this school year is almost over? I'm going to be a Senior next year--a freaking Senior! It is crazy that my high school journey is almost over.


This song has been in my head the past few days.

Post One-Hundred and Fifteen.

I'm so tired lately... so worn down. I'm on a Veronicas kick. The play last night was decent. The script was cute... a few different actors would've been better. It was entertaining having Zen as our stage director... kept us entertained up in the light/sound booth. Fun times.

So, I won't lie... I was watching the Disney Channel. Honestly, because Devin was watching it. Anywho, this video came on between shows and I liked it.

Post One-Hundred and Fourteen.

Do you ever feel like you've gone backwards?

You've built up an immunity of sorts and you're moving forward in life. Next thing you know, you find yourself back to where you were in the beginning.

I've built walls around myself my whole life. I've allowed them to be chipped away and let people invade my sanctuary. They've left it a mess--rubble as if a post-war scene. Most would want to clear the mess and rebuild. But, you know what? If one were to do that, they'd just have to rebuild the next time. I don't want to spend most of my life rebuilding walls that are going to be torn down. Mine are staying down. That way, things will hurt less if I encourage it.

I'm not rushing to find someone knew to keep me company. The bricks will lay as they fall, so to speak. I'll let that person find me in due time. Who knows? They may just be right under my nose. Life's short, but I'm young. They rest of my life is ahead of me and I can spend my later years chasing cars. For now, I want to focus on family/friends and school... in that order.

I'm not looking for love; I'm looking for a best friend. Most of all... I'm searching for myself.

Post One-Hundred and Thirteen.

Tyler Durden subscribes to the theory that you cannot begin to live until you have hit rock bottom. Rock bottom says that you have hit the worst possible place in the human psyche. The only place you can go is up. Rock bottom says that you have to know and accept that you are going to die. You should not fear dying. Until you have no fear of death you are useless to the human race. Rock bottom says you are the all singing, all dancing crap of the universe. You are not a special and a unique butterfly. You are the same decaying matter as everyone else. We are all part of the same compost pile. (Revill)

I don't know if I'll ever be able to hit rock bottom, but surely I could try.

Post One-Hundred and Twelve.

This man is my future husband... just for being so awesome.

Post One-Hundred and Eleven.

Research paper.
Biotech article for Bio.
World War II project.

Finish all by Wednesday.
Need to get a copy of my report card tomorrow.



There's some music I miss listening to.

Post One-Hundred and Ten.

"I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you." - Noah, The Notebook

I've decided to write a sort of goodbye to you. It's not really for you. More or less, it's just for closure for me. In all honesty, because we all know you'll probably never lay eyes on this.


I meant everything with value I ever told you. When I said I kept falling for you, I meant it. When I told you I loved you, I was so scared... but I stay true to my word. You were my best friend. I had to love you; I still do. Honestly, I'm still in love with you. I don't know how I could be. I mean, this was the first time I truly opened myself up to someone... and well, we saw how that played out. No matter how much I try, I really can't mean anything bad I try to say about you. I'm still not quite sure what that means about me.

I remember when you and I switched characters that first day and no one knew but Nerji. And yeah, you didn't know he knew. I'm sorry we liked to play jokes. But I remember how embarrassed and mad I was at him when he told you that I liked you and needed to make my move-- you thinking he didn't know it was you. 'Cos I remember how shocked you were and how you wouldn't tell me exactly what he said unlike what you did for everything else. What struck me most curious was the whole "When the time comes" sort of line you sent me. I really didn't catch on to what that meant... and maybe I should have sooner.

Y'know, when we hung out for homecoming... that was probably one of the best days I've had. And, no... not just because that was my real first kiss. It was because I got to hang out with you. You got along with my friends. And, hey... though short lived, I enjoyed our slow dances. I wanted to kiss you right then, but I didn't. I was so shy and didn't want to be too forward. But, what do ya know? You got the guts before I could later on. Thanks for not being such of a wuss as I am. I'm glad that Jenn and Jess helped me along with that... because if they didn't, there was no way I would've even thought of asking you.

Sorry I couldn't sleep on the couch with you. I'm sorry I was too shy to play karaoke with everyone to begin with. You heard me, though... you know I sound awful. We all had a blast that day. That was my favourite Music at the Mall. I remember sitting on the table with you... just sitting. When your arm would touch mine or would be around me, the skin that came in contact would get all tingly and I would get little butterflies in the pit of my stomach. I loved how when it wasn't your turn during pool, you would come over to me and just stand between my legs. And how your shoulder was just the perfect height for me to rest my chin on... and we'd lean in almost close enough to kiss, then I'd bury my face in your neck. And how you always smelled so clean. I wanted so bad to keep your hoodie because it smelled like you and it was so warm.

I loved how you knew my little quirks and idiosyncrasies. How I'd bite my lip whenever you said something I though was cute, then break out in a huge grin at the next thing. I never made sense and ranted about nonsense. I loved how I could trust you with all my secrets and how you didn't mind my insecurities.

I don't hate you. I'm not mad anymore. I'm disappointed... I thought you were more of a man than you proved to be. We can still be friends. Things will be different, though. I'll be around. When you've grown up a bit, give me a call. Until then, I'm going to do my best to move on.




I'm writing this letter to you
In hope to clear my head
My thoughts are only of you
And it's funny how to you I'm dead
How did we end up like this?
When did we become such a mess?
And here I am digging my own grave

One-Hundred and Nine.

Today has been decent. I'm smiling more each day.

I spent most of my weekend with Korie. I missed her. We watched the greatest opera ever. Ok, so... it wasn't the greatest. But it was Repo! The Genetic Opera, or something along those lines. I liked it. Paris Hilton and Alexa Vega is in it... y'know, the girl from Spy Kids. We also watched... Quarantine, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, and PotC:3. We didn't get to the other three.

The way you're singing in your sleep
The way you look before you leap
The strange illusions that you keep
You don't know
But I'm noticing

Post One-Hundred and Eight.

This just fits.

Post One-Hundred and Seven.

I just want to say... lol@Devin'slaptophavingaTrojanvirus.

Art II has to be the most fun I've had in a while. Like... I'm not even kidding. The only downside is that the plaster we're working with dries out my skin really bad... and well, I get plaster all over my clothes. I've washed my Bayside hoodie about a dozen times in the past week or so. So crazy! Though, I've been having a blast. Um... let's see. We had to do water colour prints on clear plastic, ten run them through a printing press for a monoprint. When I get mine back, I might scan some and put them up. I'm working on a NES controller plaster statue that I might also turn into a candle holder. I'm almost finished with my wasted cast I did of pacman... I just have to paint it. I swear it's super cute... especially because when I was originally carving it out of clay to pour plaster on... I forgot that I should carve words how I would see them and not opposite. <.<; So, I carved them in mirror image... so when I poured plaster into the plaster mold I made... my words came out mirror image. My bad. ]: But! It still looks decent. My hand mold is almost done. I just need to poor the slip into it. Also, my fail-looking Batman paper cast is almost done. xD

I'm excited. [:

Post One-Hundred and Six.

I hate that I can't bring myself to hate you.

... and I can't mean anything bad I try to say about you.

Post One-Hundred and Five.

Sup. Lily, Pete, and I are sitting in the library. Just leave Pete. /h8. Now it's just Lily and Brookesany. Oh, Pete returned... he made me smell his soap... (-.-;).

Post One-Hundred and Four.

I was doing great yesterday until I saw him in WG. I don't know what's happened to me.

And, I can't find a tutu/petticoat for my dress. ):


So, I've been listening to this song like all last night...

Post One-Hundred and Three.

So... we had to do acrostics in Lit today. I thought I'd share mine, even if I made it up in class since I kinda forgot about the assignment. ><;

Determination of one person
In turn will inspire another.
Silence when one's tongue should be held shows
Control. Calmness is key, especially
If a situation goes south. Never go with the
Population as a whole, if that's not your voice.
Learn with time to keep your wit about you.
Inside, a battle wells between impulse and mind.
Never can impulse win when in the
End it will lead to your destruction.

Post One-Hundred and Two.

So... weekend events reported:

Concert canceled.

Guitarist had to have surgery due to a blood clot.

Surgery went well and we're all hoping for a good recovery.

Trip to Iowa City in sued instead of Decatur/St. Louis.

Was decently fun... Deathnote shirt. (:

Lost on the way home and ended up in Muscatine. xD

Heavy rain storm!

Bonding experience in the car during wait.

Ended up home just fine!

Music@theMall fun.

Every day's an opportunity for a brighter tomorrow. My head's high. My chin's up.
Smile wide--I'm gonna shine. Tattooed mistakes will fade with time. Things will be just fine. The soundtrack of my summer through the fall lost it's luster in the winter and it went missing before the spring.

Jessica's got this song stuck in my head.

Post One-Hundred and One.

I want to taste the rain on my tongue. I want to see a rainbow. I want to smile as wide as I can. I want true happiness that only comes around once in a blue moon. I want friends in highly low places. When I'm older, I want to wake up every morning knowing the person sleeping next to me loves me for me. I want to stop and smell the flowers. I want life not to pass me by. I want to bake cupcakes for someone just because. I want everything and more. Most of all, I want you and I want to see you smile.

This song makes me feel better about life... I don't know why.

Post One-Hundred.

I'm doing well. I'm doing well. My dreams lately have been crazy. I'm a bit bitter lately--my friends have noticed. I don't mean to be. I'm sorry. I'm not quite sure what's going through my head right now. Honestly, it's infuriating. I don't know. I don't know. Will I be thought less of if I cry? Yell? I don't even know if I can be mad at you. I could forgive you if you let me.

I went with Steph and Jess to pawn stuff. We cleared $40 with just old games and movies we don't watch. Jen's getting like $20-30. Then, Jess is getting whatever her grandma is giving her. Now just to figure out what to wear for the gig. Something comfortable! Icon for Hire, we're making it.

These guys put a smile on my face. (:

Post Ninety-Nine.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling exactly... Many things come to mind.

confused

upset

angry

etc.

But honestly... most of all, I feel hurt.

Thanks.